There is joy amidst the grief

Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight I have replayed the last several years in my head. Boy have the tears flowed. I started out with just a fleeting thought of the identical twins I carried for such a short time and lost. Thought about how they would be 4 this winter had they lived. My emotions began to spiral there as my memory took me to thoughts of my cousin and the baby she lost just weeks later. Then I remembered it was about this time that my grandmother received the ovarian cancer diagnoses. Followed that up with thoughts of the death of my cousins baby. A loss that devastated me as much as losing my own babies had. Along with the grief was the survivors guilt because I still carried Bessie Rose.
Next I was hit with the memory of finding out that our family was the lucky recipients of a genetic mutation that would give us a high risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I remembered the feelings that came from finding out that I was a winner in that lotto. I had the mutation. Crap! I chose to push that aside and pretend it did not exist.

Next I relived the last Thanksgiving I spent with my mom and how the next year I made the choice to not go to my moms. That was her last and I did not go....more tears. Thoughts move forward to Christmas...her last. She was here with me but we could all tell something was not right with her. Then weeks of her getting sicker and sicker misdiagnoses of sinus infections. Then the diagnoses of reoccurring breast cancer. She had been cancer free for 10 years. That was another miss.She did not have breast cancer. She had lung cancer. We watched as she quickly went downhill. I replayed her last weeks as we helplessly watched her slip away from us. The grief that followed and still follows....the promise I made her to take preventative measures against cancer. It all played through my mind tonight.

 One month later I gave up my fertility when I had a hysterectomy as my first preventative measure. Sometimes I grieve the loss of my ability to have more children. Then just five short months after losing my mom, I lost her mom. She had just told me how she knew I would miss my mom but that I could talk to her anytime....now she was gone. Tears still flowing memories still flooding.

Then I relived the inner battle I had on whether to have a preventative mastectomy. After months of nightmares and several breast scares I committed to do it. After all, I promised my mom and they were just boobs. No more babies meant I had no real need for them. I began to remember just how devastated I was after the surgery. I did not expect those feelings. After all, I knew what I was getting into. I chose this. But when I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection it affected me. I grieved the loss. I grieved too because I did not have my mama here to walk me through this. She was not here to take care of me....I lay here tonight with tears hitting my pillow as I thought about how much I wish my mom was here these last 14 months while I underwent these 4 surgeries.

These last several years have been hard. Real hard. Obviously I still think of all that has been lost and I grieve. It is kinda like a sore spot....sometimes you can't help from touching it. I still grieve the lost babies. I still miss my mom intensely. I guess I always will. I think of my grandmother and reminisce and I miss her. Occasionally I still have twinges of regret that I can't have more babies. I am coming to terms with the loss of the breast. My plastic surgeon is doing his best to rebuild. They will never be the same. I will always have the scars. Scars on my body and in my heart. My life is forever changed from these last few years. My life is forever scarred.

As the tears continued to flow, it came to me that still there is joy. There is joy in the knowing that through it all my God has not forsaken me.

There is joy in the knowing that while I lived through these years my hubby was there. Right there taking care of me and the kids. Right there praying for me through it all....walking this with me.

There is joy in seeing my kiddos as they grow and change. There is joy in being their mama.

There is the joy in knowing that while my mom has not been here to see me through all this God has blessed me with people who have.

He has given me a cousin who is as close to me as I imagine a sister can be. She has laughed and cried and been there through the years. There is joy in watching our girls play together, girls who would not have been had we not suffered the loss of their older siblings.

 He has given me a sister-in-law with whom I have a special bond who has jumped in and helped with kids and listened to me and grieved with me. She is my sister in law but she is way more than that to me. She is my friend and confidante.

 There is joy in the knowing that no matter what my God is there. As the tears flow.....there is joy.

Musing from my heart

            I have been thinking a lot about my mom lately. Seems that there are so many life events that I want to pick up the phone and tell her about. Things that I would have talked to her about, things that I would have picked up the phone to tell her, things I want her opinion on, things I want to share with her but cannot. This has been so hard. She was my anchor, my sounding board, always willing to listen, always willing to cheer me on in life, always there to put things into perspective for me when I could not see the big picture. I miss that. I truly miss that.

             I know it sounds strange and I cannot describe it but it feels like she is still there, just out of my reach. Not in a weird way, not like her spirit is hanging around. I don’t believe in that. More like….I cannot fathom that she is really gone so she must not be. Maybe it is just that she is still alive in my heart…in my memories…I have all these wonderful memories of my mom and they are still very much alive…always there  for me to go back to and relive. They are the part of my mom I will always have. But….there is so much more I want to share with her…I want to tell her about Jon graduating, getting his EMT, going off to college, getting a summer job as a health officer giving him a chance to use his EMT training, and how very proud I am of him.  I want to tell her about Lauren and how much she is growing up, about her interest in sign language and how well she is doing in her signing class, about her cheerleading. She would be so surprised at her shy granddaughter coming out of her shell and cheering. I want to tell her that Lauren went swing dancing and loved it. She would be so tickled pink to hear that. Mom loved to dance and would have loved hearing about Lauren and how much fun she had. About how very proud I am of her too. I want to call and whine to my mom about Matthew and Brianna fighting all the time. She would remind me how Jon and Lauren used to fight and give me a light at the end of the tunnel, as they no longer fight. I want to tell her how much Matthew and Brianna have grown. I want to tell her how sweet Matthew is and how good he is with little kids. How good he is at writing stories. How he is still giving in to his sister her too much.  I want to tell her that after a year Brianna finally started calling Bessie Rose by her given name instead of the name she wanted her to have. I want to tell her that she finally warmed up to her little sister. I want to tell her about the spark of mischief in Brianna’s eye, the touch of ornery that she has and yet, she sneaks around doing nice stuff for people. I want her to share in the sweetness of little Bessie Rose, tell her all the cute little toddler things she says. I want to tell her how proud I am of them. Basically, I want to share my children’s life with her.

            I also want to tell her how wonderful Brian was and how supportive he was during her last weeks and the months following her death….I want to tell her about my surgeries and that I did like she told me and had those surgeries in attempt to be here for my own children….about how good of a job Brian did taking care of me….how he slept on a mattress in the living room for over a month after my surgery to help me up and down in the night.

            I want to tell her how good dad is at staying in contact with me and the boys. How he invites me to do things, calls me often, surprised me with a visit for my first birthday after she passed. I want her to know these things.

            I want to talk to her about the loss of her mom. How unreal it still feels. I want to share memories of grandma with mom; laugh with her about the silly things grandma did…cry with her because she is gone…I want to talk to her about her dad. How hard it is to see how feeble he is becoming. How hard it is leaving him  and thinking to myself that surely that is not my grandpa. My grandpa is tall, big, and strong. My grandpa can build houses. My grandpa likes to play with the kids.  Surely I must have made a mistake…gone into the wrong room maybe…but… no..I didn’t….age and Alzheimer’s is ravaging his body and mind. Such a cruel thing. I want to talk about these things with my mom….  I want to share my life with her.  I want to tell her how very sad I am that her life was cut short….I want to tell her how very much I miss her.

Well, my oldest graduated this month and started a full time job for the summer. His first full time job. I can hardly believe he is old enough to work 40 hrs per week like a grown man would work. He is capable. His dad has always modeled a good work ethic for him. I am blown away at how quickly he has reached this point in life. He was my first baby. The one that taught me about a love that is so fierce that it is hard to explain. The one that made me want to have a whole house full of children. The one that I call the experiment child. I have learned a lot from him through the years. We have gone through all the phases of childhood with this boy and have come out on the other side. The side where he is considered to be an adult. The day that I did not want to come to fast but it did anyway. Guess what? I enjoy this stage too. I like the person he is becoming. I enjoy his company and like talking to him. Oh, I miss the little boy that he was but am really liking the man he is becoming. I am proud of him. I pray that he will always walk with the Lord. I pray that when he goes off to college in the fall  he will find a church to call his own and will continue to grow his faith.I love this boy/man. I look forward to seeing what he becomes. The Lord has great plans for him I am sure.

Green Toes

We have been teaching Matthew to mow the yard. He is getting quite good at it too. Hard for me to believe he is old enough for that but as Jon frequently reminds me he was mowing at that age. This week was Matthew's second time to mow the whole yard. He began to get frustrated trying to mow around the swing set. So I go out and help him mow around it.
        A bit later Lauren had a doctor appointment. So I grab the baby, the sippy cup, my phone, and my purse. Even have the insurance card with me. Had even managed to take Matthew to his allergy shot early that morning.  So we get to Lauren's appointment and manage to be a few minutes early. I am feeling quite accomplished to be able to pull off a busy day like that and still show up at an appointment on time and unflustered. Usually I come flying in at the last minute flustered and forgetting something.
       We did not have to wait very long before they came for us. So we are sitting in the room talking and waiting. The lighting in the room is awesome. I happen to look down at my feet and low and behold GREEN TOES! I helped Matthew mow in my sandals. Yep green toes and green toe nails. I am pretty sure everyone who saw me thought I had a strange fungus growning on my toes. It just goes to show that I will never have it all together. I will never be one of those super got it together kind of people. Oh well, I enjoy my messy fly by the seat of my pants life. It works for me.

The Rain

So glad for the pretty weather today after yesterdays rain and storms. I have never been a big fan of the rain. It is wet and gloomy and tends to leave a big muddy mess. I will say that my mom loved the rain. Seems like she said something about it making everything seem so clean. I never could figure that out. She was the type that probably would have danced in the rain and had a blast doing so. I see the rain differently now that my mom is gone. Before I thought it was a necessary evil we had to endure. Yes, I know we need rain. Sometimes it is just very inconvenient. Now? Now when it rains I take a moment and pause and smile and remember that my mom enjoyed a good rain shower. It makes me take the time reflect and try to find a little pleasure  in the rain. It gives me  pleasure to think that she may be dancing in that very rain shower in a new body that does not hurt. Maybe the rain is cleansing....cleansing for the soul and mind as well as the earth. Love ya, mom. Hope you enjoyed the rains this week.

The lasts

Matthew competed in his last boat race through cub scouts. He was very sentimental about it and very sad about it. He had us take lots of pics so he could keep reminders of it. In the fall he will begin his last year of cub scouts. He told me he does not want to move up. He wants to stay a cub for longer.
I totally understand. He is my last cub scout. I would totally like to freeze time.
 
There are so many lasts in this life..the last baby, my last year to homeschool Jon, his last year of highschool, the last year before the kids get into double digits, and so on.
Also the lasts that you don't know are gonna be your last. The last Christmas or mothers day with your mom or gandma, the last time you will see someone, the last time your child will come to you with a booboo or the last time they will snuggle on your lap. Those things sneak up on you. Suddenly you realize that your child does not sit on your lap anymore. I totally understand Matthews feelings. Lasts are hard. Lasts are bitter sweet. Life is full of lasts. I too wish I could slow down time, somehow be warned of all the lasts so I can take a minute stop everything and really savor the lasts.
By the way. He won his boat race. The icing on the cake for him to make it really unforgettable.

Bessie and her Grammy

My mom has been real heavy on my mind for about the last week. Today  I looked at my children and remembered all the good times they had with my mom. I remembered her giving the kids cow bites. I remembered her looking at the night sky with the older kids. I remembered her going camping with us. I remember her rock hunting with the kids at the lake. I remember her painting with the older kids, sewing with Lauren. I remember all the wiener roasts, the smores, and the backyard fires. I also remember her holding Bessie, tickling her feet, playing with her. The older kids all have these wonderful memories of their grammy. I have all these wonderful memories of her. Not Bessie...Bessie is so missing out on such a wonderful grammy. She will never remember her grammy and how much she loved her. Even though she does look at her picture and say grammy, I know she does not really know who grammy is. It is very sad for me to think that she will never have those good times with her grammy. One thing she will know is how much her grammy loved her. I will make sure she knows because I will never forget. Not ever.