I have been
thinking a lot about my mom lately. Seems that there are so many life events
that I want to pick up the phone and tell her about. Things that I would have
talked to her about, things that I would have picked up the phone to tell her,
things I want her opinion on, things I want to share with her but cannot. This
has been so hard. She was my anchor, my sounding board, always willing to
listen, always willing to cheer me on in life, always there to put things into
perspective for me when I could not see the big picture. I miss that. I truly
miss that.
I know it sounds strange and I cannot describe
it but it feels like she is still there, just out of my reach. Not in a weird
way, not like her spirit is hanging around. I don’t believe in that. More
like….I cannot fathom that she is really gone so she must not be. Maybe it is
just that she is still alive in my heart…in my memories…I have all these
wonderful memories of my mom and they are still very much alive…always
there for me to go back to and relive.
They are the part of my mom I will always have. But….there is so much more I
want to share with her…I want to tell her about Jon graduating, getting his
EMT, going off to college, getting a summer job as a health officer giving him
a chance to use his EMT training, and how very proud I am of him. I want to tell her about Lauren and how much
she is growing up, about her interest in sign language and how well she is
doing in her signing class, about her cheerleading. She would be so surprised
at her shy granddaughter coming out of her shell and cheering. I want to tell
her that Lauren went swing dancing and loved it. She would be so tickled pink
to hear that. Mom loved to dance and would have loved hearing about Lauren and
how much fun she had. About how very proud I am of her too. I want to call and
whine to my mom about Matthew and Brianna fighting all the time. She would
remind me how Jon and Lauren used to fight and give me a light at the end of
the tunnel, as they no longer fight. I want to tell her how much Matthew and
Brianna have grown. I want to tell her how sweet Matthew is and how good he is
with little kids. How good he is at writing stories. How he is still giving in
to his sister her too much. I want to
tell her that after a year Brianna finally started calling Bessie Rose by her
given name instead of the name she wanted her to have. I want to tell her that
she finally warmed up to her little sister. I want to tell her about the spark
of mischief in Brianna’s eye, the touch of ornery that she has and yet, she
sneaks around doing nice stuff for people. I want her to share in the sweetness
of little Bessie Rose, tell her all the cute little toddler things she says. I
want to tell her how proud I am of them. Basically, I want to share my
children’s life with her.
I also want
to tell her how wonderful Brian was and how supportive he was during her last
weeks and the months following her death….I want to tell her about my surgeries
and that I did like she told me and had those surgeries in attempt to be here
for my own children….about how good of a job Brian did taking care of me….how
he slept on a mattress in the living room for over a month after my surgery to
help me up and down in the night.
I want to
tell her how good dad is at staying in contact with me and the boys. How he
invites me to do things, calls me often, surprised me with a visit for my first
birthday after she passed. I want her to know these things.
I want to
talk to her about the loss of her mom. How unreal it still feels. I want to
share memories of grandma with mom; laugh with her about the silly things
grandma did…cry with her because she is gone…I want to talk to her about her
dad. How hard it is to see how feeble he is becoming. How hard it is leaving
him and thinking to myself that surely
that is not my grandpa. My grandpa is tall, big, and strong. My grandpa can
build houses. My grandpa likes to play with the kids. Surely I must have made a mistake…gone into
the wrong room maybe…but… no..I didn’t….age and Alzheimer’s is ravaging his
body and mind. Such a cruel thing. I want to talk about these things with my
mom…. I want to share my life with her. I want to tell her how very sad I am that her life was cut short….I want to tell her how very much I miss her.
