Tonight is one of those nights. Tonight I have replayed the last several years in my head. Boy have the tears flowed. I started out with just a fleeting thought of the identical twins I carried for such a short time and lost. Thought about how they would be 4 this winter had they lived. My emotions began to spiral there as my memory took me to thoughts of my cousin and the baby she lost just weeks later. Then I remembered it was about this time that my grandmother received the ovarian cancer diagnoses. Followed that up with thoughts of the death of my cousins baby. A loss that devastated me as much as losing my own babies had. Along with the grief was the survivors guilt because I still carried Bessie Rose.
Next I was hit with the memory of finding out that our family was the lucky recipients of a genetic mutation that would give us a high risk for breast and ovarian cancer. I remembered the feelings that came from finding out that I was a winner in that lotto. I had the mutation. Crap! I chose to push that aside and pretend it did not exist.
Next I relived the last Thanksgiving I spent with my mom and how the next year I made the choice to not go to my moms. That was her last and I did not go....more tears. Thoughts move forward to Christmas...her last. She was here with me but we could all tell something was not right with her. Then weeks of her getting sicker and sicker misdiagnoses of sinus infections. Then the diagnoses of reoccurring breast cancer. She had been cancer free for 10 years. That was another miss.She did not have breast cancer. She had lung cancer. We watched as she quickly went downhill. I replayed her last weeks as we helplessly watched her slip away from us. The grief that followed and still follows....the promise I made her to take preventative measures against cancer. It all played through my mind tonight.
One month later I gave up my fertility when I had a hysterectomy as my first preventative measure. Sometimes I grieve the loss of my ability to have more children. Then just five short months after losing my mom, I lost her mom. She had just told me how she knew I would miss my mom but that I could talk to her anytime....now she was gone. Tears still flowing memories still flooding.
Then I relived the inner battle I had on whether to have a preventative mastectomy. After months of nightmares and several breast scares I committed to do it. After all, I promised my mom and they were just boobs. No more babies meant I had no real need for them. I began to remember just how devastated I was after the surgery. I did not expect those feelings. After all, I knew what I was getting into. I chose this. But when I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection it affected me. I grieved the loss. I grieved too because I did not have my mama here to walk me through this. She was not here to take care of me....I lay here tonight with tears hitting my pillow as I thought about how much I wish my mom was here these last 14 months while I underwent these 4 surgeries.
These last several years have been hard. Real hard. Obviously I still think of all that has been lost and I grieve. It is kinda like a sore spot....sometimes you can't help from touching it. I still grieve the lost babies. I still miss my mom intensely. I guess I always will. I think of my grandmother and reminisce and I miss her. Occasionally I still have twinges of regret that I can't have more babies. I am coming to terms with the loss of the breast. My plastic surgeon is doing his best to rebuild. They will never be the same. I will always have the scars. Scars on my body and in my heart. My life is forever changed from these last few years. My life is forever scarred.
As the tears continued to flow, it came to me that still there is joy. There is joy in the knowing that through it all my God has not forsaken me.
There is joy in the knowing that while I lived through these years my hubby was there. Right there taking care of me and the kids. Right there praying for me through it all....walking this with me.
There is joy in seeing my kiddos as they grow and change. There is joy in being their mama.
There is the joy in knowing that while my mom has not been here to see me through all this God has blessed me with people who have.
He has given me a cousin who is as close to me as I imagine a sister can be. She has laughed and cried and been there through the years. There is joy in watching our girls play together, girls who would not have been had we not suffered the loss of their older siblings.
He has given me a sister-in-law with whom I have a special bond who has jumped in and helped with kids and listened to me and grieved with me. She is my sister in law but she is way more than that to me. She is my friend and confidante.
There is joy in the knowing that no matter what my God is there. As the tears flow.....there is joy.
